It has been a very bizarre and strange few weeks for me. I have at times conquered and enjoyed these interesting obstacles but I have also been hit with moments of confusion, unrest, anxiousness, uneasiness and often just simply felt lost.
Oh by the way, this is going to be a personal post.
To start on a good note, I finally replaced the ol’ rubasu (’94 Subaru Legacy). After months of searching and dealing with car dealers, through the fortunate help of family, I was able to find a gem in an ’03 Audi Allroad. Couldn’t be more excited. It’s an awesome car and a relief to drive a car now with few worries. With almost 300,000 miles the Subaru just became a constant worry and a source of stress. But it did its job well for so long! There were some struggles near the end but it got me through college and so, in a weird way, I owe a lot to its service. When I initially got it with just about 140,000 miles the car amazed me with its abilities. It was only ‘til around 210k that I knew it had to go. Still, I kept it thinking it would just die then I would get a new one but it never did. The time just came when it will not pass emissions without investing into it and I made the decision to instead invest in a newer car. However, even with the new beauty, there is a bit of an emotional attachment to a car; especially one that carried you over years that included a lot of change. It was around during most of my college years, it was the scene of a few broken relationships, it also provided the means to one of the best road trips I’ve ever had and it played the role of a van in lieu of an actual one for my bands on many occasions. It was just always around. Both good and bad memories surround it and as I part ways with her I can’t help but ponder back on them. So, with joy and excitement, I look forward to the years I’ll have with the allroad knowing it will be an adventure but with much contemplation I now part with the ol’ soob. You’ve been a friend.
It’s fun buying a new (to me) car but the realization of losing the old one was just the beginning of a trend that has filled these last weeks with a lot of introspection.
Over the last few years I became a bit callous to the thought of a serious relationship. I haven’t been too good at ‘em in the past and life has just been too busy anyways for it to come around – this was probably due to me avoiding it than anything else. That’s not to say I haven’t been interested though. I’ve been interested in one’s where there was always something in the way, down the road, that could likely allow the serious stage to hold off for awhile. What I mean is that the only people I’ve been interested in dating were one’s, say, where there was usually an extended trip coming up or plans to possibly move away. I know this sounds bad. It sounds as if I was really only attracted to a short term relationship. But really, it was just an avoidance of jumping too deep into something. I was interested in starting slow and these kinds of opportunities forced that without me really having to say it upfront.
With these kinds of relationship opportunities rare, I just haven’t spent much time thinking about dating. If it happens, it happens mentality persisted. In other words, it would somehow have to magically occur without me putting any effort whatsoever into it. It would just have to happen. This changed recently. That attitude died and I found myself actually wanting someone. Not just anyone, someone very much in particular. Someone around which so many dynamics would have to be dealt with for it to even start, occur, and happen. In the past, this would have caused me to go running. There is really nothing at all good about this situation. It is complex. It is heavy with baggage. Yet, I haven’t run away this time. I’m standing still. I’m open and willing that just to be with her I’d deal with all of this. But in this game of two, I’m finding myself the only willing partner. And with my heart exposed I am finding it difficult to tuck it back away.
This is the source of my uneasiness, anxiousness, unrest and confusion. Uneasy with the thought that I am actually finding myself desiring something in a way that I don’t yet understand. Anxious that though I’m wasting my time most likely and would better serve myself walking away, I hold onto this little bit of hope – that I could be wasting a good thing if I simply walked away. As these ponderings have controlled my thoughts they have also become the source of great unrest. I could sleep easily knowing we’re starting something together or I could sleep easier knowing that there is nothing and I should just move on. Instead, I am left in the middle. There is something there that neither of us deny but the aforementioned issues are in the way. I’m left wanting, not-knowing and unable to sleep.
What a joke, right? I’m a twenty four year old man bent on a crush and acting like a teenager. This has me almost hating myself for it. Hating the fact that I’m in this position. Hating that I allowed myself to get here. How did I let the callous rub off and once again become soft? And why am I struggling with it? Struggling with just moving on?
This morning in an effort to free my mind I submitted to doing some chores, one of which was cleaning out the old Subaru before getting rid of it. A car I’ve had for so long certainly collects a few items over time. However, having been owned by an ex-girlfriend before you did might make it even more interesting. In my case it certainly did. Just like the Death Cab song, it happened from the glove box. In all the years of driving this car I only put things in the glove box, not out. As I cleaned through it there it was: her. She came back more real than ever. In the form of her first driving license. In a picture with high school friends. In a picture with college roommates. In pictures of her celebrating her senior year of college. In her book on Ghandi. In her book on love lost. In her tapes. (Yes. Tapes.) And then… in a picture of me and her. I’ve often thought back on this relationship as it is the source of what not to do. It’s become my lesson. I’ve learned from it, I’ve learned what went wrong. I’ve also learned that frankly, it scares me. Being with someone, responsible in some ways for someone. Scared of my loss of independence. That relationship more than anything taught me to be a man by reminding me I was still a boy. And first act as man: not get too serious while being so young!
Staring at these picture though, I also saw the person I am today by being reminded of the person I was. I was soft then. Hardened by that failure. And now, finding myself come full circle and soft again. I’ve learned… again. I’ve learned I’m ready. Ready to invest in a relationship, to invest in someone. Does that mean this relationship? I hope; at least give it a go. But more so, I know that now I am ready not to just hold a relationship but to go after it now. My mentality before was built to protect me but with my heart already exposed for the first time in so long – I now feel open.
This leaves me where I’m at now: lost. Lost in this fresh idea of who I am and what I am after. Lost in the thought of this relationship that nags me as well as any one that may come. Lost because I am not hiding but openly nervous. I’ve been hurt, hurt others and now I am bringing on the possibilities of both to occur again. No more hiding.
